Scully, If You Knew My Heart
by trycee
Summary: Mulder's inner dialogue trying to tell Scully he's dying. Angst story. References to  The Sixth Extension Part 1- season 6 ,  Within-Season 8  and  The Gift-Season 8 . This takes place between All Things and Requiem.


Scully, If You Knew My Heart

by Trycee

Time Frame: After All Things and Before Requiem. If you watch All Things, the very next episode is Hollywood A.D and it says that 16 months goes by from the time Mulder and Scully go to California to meet the actors that will play them and the time the movie, the Lazarus Bowl is released, so this is during that 16 month time frame with references to (The Sixth Extension Part 1- season 6), (Within-Season 8) and (The Gift-Season 8).

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the X-Files, it is owned by Chris Carter and Fox. I wrote this for fun not profit.

This story is Mulder's thoughts to Scully, an angst story:

She was curled up on my chest, breathing softly...asleep halfway through the movie, again. I listened as she breathed, I grabbed one of the couch pillows and positioned it behind my head...my heart ached but I was afraid to cry, afraid to wake her...three months is all I have...

_Scully, how do I tell you that I'm dying? How do I tell you that there is no future with me? That after all these years of denying our feelings we finally gave in to our true feelings for each other for the past nearly 16 months. Being with you, its the greatest and saddest time of my life. Its sorrowful because I know that I'm going to leave you though I swore I never would. I'm gonna leave you alone and knowing this causes me the greatest pain of my life. I'm sorry Scully..._

_I can't tell you because I don't want you to feel you could've done something. I don't want you to blame yourself, Scully. There was nothing you could have done to stop it...all the weekends you thought I was running and having 'me' time...you were hurt by it at first but later you understood that we'd spend time together every Sunday night and it gave you time to catch up with your mom and friends when we weren't on assignment...all those times I was actually preparing for my death. I tried, Scully, at first to find a cure, I tried going to healers but nothing has worked...now I go to gauge how much time I have left without you knowing...I visit my mothers grave but I'm also preparing my head stone and making my own arrangements so you don't have too... _

"Scully I love you", I whispered in her ear.

"I love you too," she mumbled in her sleep.

My heart stopped. My hand touched her face, rubbing my fingers over her delicate skin. _Do you know what I would do to take back all those years I wasted not telling you how I felt...I thought I had time to love you. If I could Scully, I would take back every sighting, every truth...to have more time with you...They did this to me Scully...and I'm sorry...I remember when I was laying in that hospital bed and Diana came in and I knew her thoughts...I knew that she really had never loved me but when you came in it was overwhelming...I couldn't speak but I wanted to cry because your love for me was so enormous, so true...you would die for me Scully just as I would you...I knew then that you only stayed at the X Files for me, All my fears about you leaving me were wrong, you would never leave me, and that you felt that if I died your heart would stop...if you could see my heart Scully you'd know that the moment you stepped into my office I fell in love with you...you'd now that there is nothing on this earth or the next I wouldn't do for you, I don't want to hurt you Scully, but I will very soon...will you hate me for not telling you? Will you move on...I need you to move on and have a life after I'm gone...you can't have children because of my damn quest, but you can still get married and be a doctor...he won't love you like I do but I don't want you to be alone forever, I love you too much for that..._

_ Scully when you were dying of cancer, I almost died with you and I don't want our last few months together being spent with tears or even fears...you told me about your dream the other day...you were standing on one shore and I was on another and we couldn't reach each other...you wanted to know what it meant...I told you that it was just a dream but I had to choke down my tears...please forgive me Scully for not telling you...I need for you to be happy, I need to hold you without fear...the headaches are getting worst and they keep increasing my medications...I keep them hidden from you just in case you find them in the bathroom and would know instantly what they were...you asked me why I'm upset sometimes and I tell you its because I have to sell off my parents estate, and that I have to go through all their furniture, pictures, and belongings...you want to come with me to help me but I won't let you. I told you I needed to do this myself. I saw the look in your eyes but you said you understood...you'll find out that I sold their estates awhile ago, you'll find out the truth about it all and you'll question if you really knew me...please understand that its only to protect you, only to spend the last precious few months with you in my arms...I have three months left, Scully...three months to love you, hold you, and be with you the way I always dreamed and thats what I want to leave this earth with...not hospitals, doctors, and tubes...we've had enough of that, haven't we? _

"Mulder, why are you crying?"

I didn't even know I was crying, you looked up at me from my chest, outstretch your hand, and wipe a tear from my eye. "I'm so happy with you Scully. Go back to sleep, I want to just hold you longer..."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, just go back to sleep..."

_Forgive me..._


End file.
